I have always been one to follow the rules. I was the kid who was disappointed in myself if I did not color perfectly inside the lines. Lately, I have done some self reflecting and have come to realize the tremendous pressure I put on myself. This can be from work, family, social life or even just with day to day activities. It is is feeling of "I am not doing enough"...even though I am completely exhausted and drained. It is a feeling of, "I have to do it myself because I don't want to be a burden on anyone"...even though asking for help may benefit the other party more than ourselves. It is a feeling of "I don't want to disappoint anyone"....even though I set my expectation very high of myself and others and sometimes it is best to accept things as they are. It is a feeling of "The lines are there for a reason, so I have to stay inside the lines because if I don't, there WILL be consequences"...even though I have stepped outside of the lines and those are the BEST memories I will forever carry with me.
I am trying to figure out what I have to prove to myself and others. Why do I push myself to the point of resentment and exhaustion trying to please everyone else? There is no satisfaction in accomplishing something when at the end of it, all you are asking yourself why you have put so much energy into it and actually resent the accomplishment. I have known too many people who have colored outside of the lines and are living their life the way they choose....I admire those people and tend to keep them closer to me than most...maybe hoping their courage will rub off on me. Is it courage though? Not sure if I chose the correct word here, but I would say it is a fearless way of living....and you can't really LIVE unless you are fearlessly doing so.
